My Remy Claire
I had a feeling you were coming.
At 38 weeks I cleaned up my desk at work even though I still had two more weeks planned at work.
I had a feeling.
At 12:30am on Saturday I woke to a loud crack noise and felt the warm flow of liquid fill my underwear. I shot up. I knew I had a feeling! I woke Sean up and excitedly told him my water had broke and ran to the bathroom in case more came. But after sitting on the toilet for 5 minutes nothing happened. I changed my underwear, put on an adult diaper (this wasn’t my first rodeo) and laid out some towels in case it happened again and tried to get some sleep before the contractions started up. As I tried to fall asleep in a room I was not yet familiar with, I thought about how I would be holding my new baby in my arms soon.
I woke up at 4:30 with contraction pains. They weren’t too bad and I felt like this was going to be easy. I can handle this! Maybe the second time round the contractions aren’t as bad?
I started timing them. 10 min apart, 8 minutes, 12 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour…
At 6:30 I finally got out of bed not able to sleep and getting impatient. I prepped a morning snack for my 3 year old so that it would be all ready when he got up and we could snuggle and watch cartoons as he munched away on fruit. Was today the day he would get to meet his sister?
I realized that my contractions had stopped, but my water had broke… it broke right? Or did I just pee a little? That is possible. But what was with the crunching noise that came with it? A dream? I was obsessively scrutinizing it in my head.
By the afternoon I thought it best to get checked out. I didn’t want an infection to happen. My brother in law, Andrew, came over to watch Finn and we headed off to the hospital excited at the prospect of maybe being checked in and possibly meeting our daughter today.
A quick check and nope, nothing. Go back home and rest up! You may have weeks to go yet! Argh.
Disappointed we came back home. Tried to have a normal supper and went to bed.
4:00am I woke to contractions. Ok… THIS was it. Right?
12 min apart, 8 minutes, 15 minutes, 6 minutes, 20 minutes, 40 minute, an hour…
6:30 rolled around and I again got up impatiently and fixed Finn his morning snack before he got up. My parents were coming over with prep the backyard for sod. I was looking forward to the distraction.
Sunday was different though. I was having contractions more consistently and I was starting to lose my mucus plug. Again, I started obsessively researching every tiny thing. It sounded like labour was either imminent or weeks away.
After a day of pain, I prepped for going to work tomorrow and went to bed.
At 12:30am on Monday I woke to a loud crack noise and felt the warm flow of liquid fill my underwear. I shot up. THIS WAS IT! There was way too much uncontrolled liquid for this to be a pee accident.
I woke Sean up. I think he was a bit skeptical as it sounded all too familiar to our first false alarm, but supportive of my assurance that this time was real.
He helped me hobble to the bathroom with a towel between my legs to clean up and I was immediately hit with a powerful contraction.
Oh… Oh yes… THIS is what a real contraction felt like. How the fuck did I forget?! Holy fucking hell!!
Between gritted teeth I told him to call his brother to get here immediately. This was going to happen fast.
My brother in law got there within 20 minutes, but it felt like hours. I hunched over our railing and moaned, trying to keep quiet so as to not wake up our 2 year old. When Andrew got there we barely said two words and we were in the car. I was already feeling the pressure. Was I going to have this baby in the car? I yelled at Sean to step on it. I need that epidural! I can’t do this without it!
Getting to the fourth floor of labour and delivery felt like a feat in itself. I felt sick. I didn’t want to take another step. Even pushing the elevator button and riding up was like climbing a mountain.
It was all a blur but it felt like I was swooped into the delivery room without pause. The nurses also knew this was going to happen fast. They offered the epidural and I enthusiastically accepted. Soon this pain will be gone and I’ll be joking with the nurses and doctors in no time – just like how it happened with my son!
When we came to the room we met our sweet nurse. She was trying to be reassuring between my moans. She checked me. I was 6cm. I was able to get the epidural! The anesthesiologist came in no time. He had the needle ready, but as he was about to give me the goods, I felt the pressure. I needed to push. I yelled out; the baby is coming! And my hopes and dreams of sweet relief was taken away.
The nurse checked me again and within minutes I had gone from 6cm to 9cm. I definitely could not have the epidural. I whimpered to Sean, I can’t do this… I can’t. I’m sure he said something encouraging but everything was on fire and I couldn’t comprehend anything.
My body was shaking uncontrollably, it had a mind of it’s own and only one function… to get this baby out. The pressure was unfathomable and my body started heaving. After some thrashing about my waters officially broke and a fountain gushed on the bed. I would have been embarrassed, but my modesty was nowhere to be found.
I felt the urge to push again, stronger. In the nick of time my angel of a doctor walked in and for a moment I had clarity. She was my guide, my guru and I was locked on her. She had her signature smile on her face and I knew all was going to be ok. Sean would later tell me he felt the same. She handed us our first born and now she would do the same for our little girl. We knew we were in good hands.
She checked me. Still 9 cm! I should try to hold off the urge to push.
But I couldn’t.
I made noises I didn’t think I was capable of.
My body jerked forward. It was heaving and I could not control it. To describe it, it was like vomiting. When the time comes you can’t hold back and you just have to purge. That was me, but my vagina. My vagina was barfing out my baby.
Within minutes her head was out. Then her shoulders. Then her little bum. And finally with one last effort her whole body.
She was given to me and I cried without shame. I did it. I have never felt more powerful and proud of myself in my life.
Remy. Holding you in my arms was magnificent. You were perfect. The most beautiful little baby girl. And you were all mine. Your little squeaks and gurgles of discomfort settled down as I warmed you with my arms. I couldn’t have been happier.
I love you Remy Claire. I’m so happy you’re here.